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Literature Text
You are there
Through it all
Saving them
From the fall
You tell yourself
To bear the pain
To stand up
Cause they're all fake
They smile at you
You smile at them
Waiting for the thank you
That never came
Cause in this world
There are those like you
Diligent yet oppressed
Abused yet strong
But young girl
Stop your hating
They will all pay
For the debt unpaid
180 days
Your revenge awaits
For they will suffer
For the crimes they made
180 days
Your freedom awaits
And you will find joy
In independence
Through it all
Saving them
From the fall
You tell yourself
To bear the pain
To stand up
Cause they're all fake
They smile at you
You smile at them
Waiting for the thank you
That never came
Cause in this world
There are those like you
Diligent yet oppressed
Abused yet strong
But young girl
Stop your hating
They will all pay
For the debt unpaid
180 days
Your revenge awaits
For they will suffer
For the crimes they made
180 days
Your freedom awaits
And you will find joy
In independence
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In independence is a poem I wrote when I remembered the kind of people in my life whom me and my friends want to be free of. You see one of the bumps of going to a high school with practically everyone in the same class (that’s the educational system in my country) is that there are lots of group works; wherein it’s up to at least 3 persons to do the job for the majority. Sadly, me and my best friends always get stuck with the jobs or get picked to be the leader. So I guess this poem’s a way of reminding me what everybody else keeps saying to cheer me up, “180 days till college and then ’ll be free” The morbid lines in the end was just how they’ll have a hard time in college when nobody has to do the task for them -_-
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Does the poem have emotion?
Critique [link] on Nowhere Man by nightshade-keyblade. Go check it out.
Does the imagery create an impact?
What did you think of the flow?
Does the poem have emotion?
Critique [link] on Nowhere Man by nightshade-keyblade. Go check it out.
Comments27
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Thank you for your submission to #ZealZone. I like the premise of this piece. It has good emotion and flow. It also is a really good coming of age sort of piece. It works for growing up in general or the situation you were talking about in your description. A very small grammatical change. You used the word cause twice in the lines: "Cause they're all fake" and "Cause in this world". In both of these cases you meant them as a short form of because which for this you would need an apostrophe at the beginning, other wise it means cause, as in "cause and effect" which changes the meaning vastly. So those lines would look like:
'Cause they're all fake
And
'Cause in this world
Other than that this looks really great. Very nice job!
'Cause they're all fake
And
'Cause in this world
Other than that this looks really great. Very nice job!